“I stopped showering ever since I realized water causes people to drown. I cannot risk being so close to something that can murder me. Do you let killers into your house? Oh, but you let a murderer come out of your own faucet. Hypocrite.”
“People sometimes ask me if I’m happy and I tell them to fuck off.”
“Yes I usually make my kids eat their veggie chops and watch my concerts in dead silence. If they ask to watch spongebob squarepants I usually do something volatile like make them eat a yellow sponge with googly eyes on it. I hit them quite a bit, but then again I blame the condom manufacturing government for forcing me to birth them.”
“I beat my children daily, with a shoe, because I don’t want them to grow up fairies. At 9 p.m. I promptly play The Wall in full and walk around the house naked carrying cupcakes. It’s important my children see my bits in graphic detail.”
“Hunting Bears is a complex song. A bear, as you know is another term for a chubby chaser. The guitar line is actually the sound of a fat man’s thighs rubbing together as he approaches another lardy male for a night of sexual deviance.”
“2+2=5 wasn’t intentional. I thought you carry a 1 every time there are two 2’s in an equation. I’m not stupid, the mathematicians are stupid.”
“You will never make friends unless you like everyone genuinely. Oh well, I’m fucked then aren’t I?”
• When you were young, you went to bed when Glenroe was over • If you die from alcohol poisoning, you’re considered a lightweight • ‘Fuck off’ means ‘Are you serious?’ • The person that you insult most is probably your best friend • Saying ‘I will yea’ means that you definitely won’t • “Fuck it, its grand’ means that you couldn’t be bother finish it properly • ‘Hes fond of a drink’ means he suffers from severe life-threatening alcoholism • Saying you’re going for a drink means you might not be seen again for 3 days • Crisps are called ‘Taytos’ and fizzy drinks are called ‘minerals’ • ‘For the craic’ is the best reason for doing anything • The best cure for a hangover is more drink • Nobody can go a day without saying ‘Jaysus’ • ‘Meeting’ has a double meaning • Tea is the solution to every problem • And water is the solution to every GAA injury • “I got stuck behind a tractor’ is a perfectly valid reason for being late • We eat Tayto sambos for lunch, and ham sandwiches on the way to Croke Park • You can insert the name of a gardening tool into any sentence and it still makes sense, e.g. ‘I had a rake of drink last night’ or “I’ll be out in a minute, I’m just shoveling down the dinner’ • GAA is considered religion • Its perfectly acceptable to call your mother ‘mammy’ even though you are a fully grown adult • Saying ‘Now we’re sucking diesel’ means that you are happy with the outcome of the situation • Drinking ‘tae’ is everyone’s favourite past time • You’re scared of the wooden spoon • The word ‘like’ goes in every sentence • You can say “Any craic’ to a garda and you won’t get arrested • ‘The dogs’ bollocks’ means something is brilliant!!.